NICU Mom

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. In kindergarten when teacher asked "what do you want to be when you grow up" my reply was "a mommy". Probably because I had such a great roll model in my mom.

Regardless of why, it was all I ever wanted. I got my wish in June 27, 2002 when Stinkerbell made her appearance. My girlie girl, my future partner in crime was perfectly healthly. And rearing to go.

What I didnt except to be was a NICU mom. I dont think any one who belongs to this club ever expects to be a member however its a very large group. I joined this club on November 3, 2009 with my 34 weeker weighing 4lbs 3oz.

Joining the NICU club is tough regardless. However being a MOM before a NICU mom was especially difficult. I was already predisposed to the mommy thought process of "its ok, I will make it better." The kick to the stomach for NICU moms is that we cant make it better. If we had the ability and skill set to make it better then our babies wouldnt be in the NICU. They wouldnt be hooked up to monitors and feeding tubes. They would be in the hospital room with us and not in an incubator. We would be the first ones to change their diapers not the nurses. We could hold them as soon as their were born and not have to wait till the following day (or much longer for some NICU mommies). Instead of learning to sounds of our babies cries, we learned the sounds that each monitor makes when things aren't quite right. We also learn the difference of sounds in relation to a problem with our babies, and a loose wire.

We gage our lives in terms of grams and ounces, minutes and hours.

NICU moms learn how to put 1 foot in front of the other as we walk down the hall, away from our babies, out the front door and into the car for home. With an empty car seat in the back. I thought it would get easier, but never did. I held on tight to hubby's hand so I couldnt turn back. He did the same to mine.

I dont know about the rest of the club members but I faced alot of guilt when I looked at my NICU baby. I wondered what did I do wrong? Why did my body have to turn on us and put us in that situation? Especially with this being my second pregnancy and the first was completely normal. What did we do to deserve this and why was my baby all hooked up to IV's and tubes instead of home with us? Its a guilt I still struggle with and probably will for a long time.

I am a lucky NICU mom. My baby only stayed 13 days. Many, MANY babies stay for months. Many NICU babies dont make the walk down the hall with their parents. Instead they make the journey to heaven.

My NICU baby is still a little guy, but what he lacks in size he makes up for in personality. Little Man commands attention and if you dont give it, then he will just command LOUDER! Stinkerbell is the best big sister in the whole world and together, my kiddos are perfectly wonderful. What more could any mom ask for!

On this Mother's Day I celebrate the mom I became on June 27, 2002 and the mom I became on November 3, 2009. Both taught me lessons about myself and both changed my life forever. Both made me the mommy I am today. I also find myself thinking about the moms spending their Mother's Day listening to the humming of monitors and feeling the heat of the temperature controlled NICU. I hope they each have one of those little moments each lives for. A gram gained, an extra ounce taken, a look of recognition when they talk to their babies. Happy Mothers Day to all the mommies!